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PMQs as-it-happened

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11:20 Forty minutes until the session begins. UK unemployment has hit two million – its highest level since Labour came to power. Leaked IMF documents are predicting the UK will be the major economy worst hit by the recession. And Mervyn King, governor of the Bank of England is warning of mass unemployment and a total overhaul of the regulatory system. Anyone want to make a guess the topic David Cameron will focus on? After last week’s weirdly good natured session (Cameron’s return and the killings in Northern Ireland prompted that oasis) this week should see us back to normal.

12:01 – And we’re off. The first question is on unemployment, setting the tone for what’s to come, I imagine. “I don’t regard unemployment as a statistic, I regard it as one person, a second person, a third person, who needs our help,” Gordon Brown says. I think if three people are experiencing something it is sort of a statistic, but I know what he’s getting at. Cameron gets up and starts on unemployment.

12:03 – Cameron says Brown’s comments that Britain is best placed to withstand a recession was nonsense. Brown retorts that he joined politics to fight unemployment and politics, and hence will release some of the best plans to stop it getting any worse. Also, he mentions, other countries have worse levels. Cameron contrasts that statement with the halting of building of business colleges, pointing to a gulf between his comments and his action. And now the IMF – so far, so predictable. He calls on Brown to admit he was wrong that Britain was well-placed to survive the recession better than most. Brown’s reply is evasive and unhelpful, and it goes without saying he doesn’t admit anything. He does, however, correct him on the colleges and the fact unemployment is higher in France and America.

12:05 – “Let me correct the prime minister on the figures he just gave the House of Commons,” Cameron replies. Slightly feebly, he points out that Brown is insinuating the recession has been shorter than it really has been. True, the PM relied on official rather than actual recession, but it’s still a little weak. No-one has been helped by the recruitment subsidies, nor has the mortgage support scheme begun to operate. “He’s wrong about the start date of the recession,” Brown argues – both of them resemble schoolchildren. Brown does that horrible little thing of his where he lists policies. April – next month – is when the scheme’s come in apparently.

12:08 – “We’ve just had the view from the bunker, but the fact is on the ground none of these things are happening,” Cameron says. He mocks Brown for his inability to stop Fred Goodwin – “Oh, I’m sorry, Sir Fred Goodwin” – receiving his pension, saying its a sign of their general incompetence. Brown stutters a little and pushes on with his little list. Behind him, Harriet Harman nods in an entirely unconvincing manner.

12:09 – “It is simply not credible to come to this House and mock us for not doing something when he would pay for nothing,” Brown ends. Cameron attempts to shut up Dennis Skinner by saying: “I know he wanted miners to join the government, but not Lord Myners,” he says. “The trouble is they all want Lord Myners to arrange their retirement packages. Call and election and we can arrange it,” Cameron continues. It reads better than it sounded. Brown destroys Cameron on his opposition to German, US and UK fiscal stimuli. Badly delivered, but effective. “Mr Speaker, I think the leader of the opposition doesn’t understand one thing: This is an unprecedented global banking crisis. Unprece3dented means without precedented. Global means around the world….” and so it goes on. Interesting rhetoric.

12:13 – Cameron quotes Brown’s interview with the Guardian yesterday where he berated a concentration on ‘who said what when and how’. Then Cameron says: “What a complete phoney.” There is shock around the Chamber, and the Speaker forces Cameron to withdraw the comment – “and properly withdrawn”. Cameron “happily” does so. It’s unlike him to overstep the line, but he does seem more emotionally involved this time than usual.

12:14 – Brown engages in the usual rhetoric about how Labour is here to help people like the unemployed, and attacks the Tories for proposing inheritance tax cuts instead. “They are the party of the few, we are the party of the many.” And that’s that. Neither politician was particularly impressive, although Cameron seemed very rough around the edges. It may take him a little longer to settle into the swing of things. That fact on its own doesn’t mean Brown won though. He didn’t.

12:16 – Brown says the government is looking into cervical cancer screening, and expanding it to under 25s, all in a bubble of Jade Goody effect. Nick Clegg is up. Does the PM believe the culture of “frenzied target setting” had a role in the Stafford General Hospital? Brown instantly apologises for what happened there. “The first thing we’ve got to do is assure the families of those who suffered there will be independent reviews if they seek it,” Brown says. Then they will look into whether it is a general problem of a specific one to that hospital. That’s a sort of answer to Clegg’s question, but not a satisfactory one.

12:19 – Clegg says doctors there were instructed by manager to ignore seriously ill patients in the name of targets. Will he scrap them so hosptials can cure the ill rather than tick boxes? Brown argues it’s about standards of management at the hospital, not a philosophical problem with targets. It is not unreasonable to say they should have the highest standards of care and people should not have to wait for hours to get treatment. At its heart, Brown is saying this is an issue of incentivising properly, rather than a fundamental problem of target setting.

12:22 – More on the hospital. Brown assures MPs there will be serious action taken. A question on green spaces leads brown to call on the MP to attend the regional committee – bodies pretty much every MP in the House are trying to avoid.

12:24 – A question on the torture allegations leads Brown to announce the publishing of guidance on interrogation. There will be monitoring of complaints, and these will be reported to the PM annually. The noise on the chamber gradually gets significant enough that brown has to stop talking but he returns: “I have faith in our security services.” The opposition MPs want a statement, but they’re not going to get it. There’s a call for a full public inquiry on the hospital issue.

12:27 – Brown: All disciplinary matters will be dealt with by a new executive. A review will take place, and a separate inquiry. The Quality Commission will look at standards of healthcare overall. Individuals will take individual cases as they wish.

12:29 – The only person on the Labour front bench who looks entirely awake is James Purnell, but he’s young. He has an in-built advantage. Everyone else, including Alistar Darling, looks vacant, as if its the midst of some wonderful daydream. Harriet Harman, to be fair is STILL NODDING.

12:31 – Last few questions now, on carers and hospital targets – although the latter is unrelated to the main hospital issue. And that’s another session over. Alan Johnson stands to make a statement on Stafford hospital. See you next week.