PMQs as-it-happened
Every twist and turn of this week's PMQs, with politics.co.uk's live blog.
By Ian Dunt Follow @IanDunt
11:20 – Morning all. Bit of a mixed bag this week. On the one hand, David Cameron should be able to take Ed Miliband's 'forensic' questioning of his euro-policy from last week and rub his face in it, given the support he's received over his use of the veto. On the other, Miliband actually made a pretty good fist of it on Monday when he responded to Cameron's statement. Oh, and there's unemployment figures out this morning, which are as pleasing to the eye as Warsaw architecture. The man's prime minister. Can't he stop them being released on a Wednesday just before PMQs? That should be item one on his agenda, right after avoiding global economic catastrophe. Kick off is at 12, although there will be plenty of typos all the way through. We'll bring you news and a parliamentary sketch when everything's wrapped up.
11:40 – Of course, Miliband and Cameron are an irrelevance really. We're all just looking at Nick Clegg. It's like some French art film, where the director insists the most important character is the one who doesn't say anything. "Read the face!" That sort of thing. Labour, I can assure you, will be reading the face. And shouting at it. And possibly spitting at it. Clegg does a remarkable thing to Labour people. It's like Orwell's two-minute hate. They'll really enjoy themselves today, if he turns up that is.
11:46 – It's Cabinet Office questions right now, so Oliver Letwin is doing his best impression of competence and assurance. He's facing, among others, Labour's Gareth Thomas, so frankly it's not difficult. Mockery about Big Society re-launches, quickly followed by "I'm not going to take any lectures from…" You know the drill. You're not missing anything.
11:55 – There's something increasingly nightmarish about Francis Maude, who looks like a cross between the Demon Headmaster and Herman Van Rompuy. I think I just scared myself. Labour are telling Letwin there's "no point" to Clegg. Phillip Hammond is on the front bench, barely conscious, but then he always looks that way. As Clegg walks in a huge cheer rises from the Labour benches. Letwin and the DPM have a forced natter, trying to look chummy.
11:59 – Letwin is having far too much fun. He's turned entirely red. Simon Hughes is struggling.'
12:00 – Big Ben strikes. The last Cabinet Office questions dribble away. A bluster of movement in the press gallery as remaining journalists rush into the chamber. Cameron looks stressed and unhappy. And off we go
12:02 – Cameron really does sound tired. Richard Fuller (Con, James Bond villain) asks the first question. He said his constituents will be disappointed there's no criminal prosecution option for RBS bosses. Tories: the new Trotsky. Cameron says the government is looking at specific extra measures.
12:04 – Miliband is up. Douglas Alexander is right behind him, suggesting Europe is coming up. He looks like a statue of a dog. Miliband reminds Cameron of his new year message in 2011 – that jobs were "uppermost in his mind". What's gone wrong? Christ, Clegg looks glum. He actually looks like he wants to cry. Cameron says all job losses are bad and cites government policies to fix the problem.
12:06 – Miliband, very calm, very measured, keeps asking about job losses. Cameron says there have been 581,000 extra jobs in the public sector. "We need private sector employment to grow even faster," Cameron admits. Miliband watches him like a hawk. Cameron attacks him for not backing welfare reform. Balls is desperate to fight. Miliband says Cameron's central economic claim – that the private sector would fill the public sector gap – has failed. He cites a 93% rise in youth unemployment since his announcement. Cameron says he "won't take lectures" (yep, that one again) from a party who saw youth unemployment rise when they were in government. He now cites government initiatives to combat the problem. Not much heat, not much light, but more light than usual so far.
12:09 – "The promises this year are as worthless as the ones from 2011," Miliband says. Now he turns to Clegg. "It's good to see the DPM back in his seat." He quotes Clegg's 2011 message, which said the coalition was bringing in "a whole new style of government – a more collegiate approach". Labour's loving it. "What's gone wrong? "Miliband asks. This is great. "No-one is surprised Conservatives and Lib Dems don't agree on Europe," Cameron replies. "It's not that bad. It's not like we're brothers or anything." That David/Ed jokes took the wind out Miliband's sails. "He certainly walked into that one," Cameron adds, pleased with himself. Clegg has a forced smile.
12:11 – Miliband compares Clegg to a housewife whose husband cheated on her – making a phone call at 4am confessing to a terrible mistake. He calls on Cameron to get back into the negotiating. "We've read a lot about my opinions," Cameron says. "We've read a lot about [Clegg's] opinions. We still don't know the honourable gentleman's opinion." Miliband says there was a better deal for Britain which Cameron should have got, as Clegg realises. "This PM thinks he's born to rule, the truth is he's just not very good at it." Cameron says the soundbite was recycled from a previous PMQs. "This leader of the Labour party makes weakens and indecision an art form." He now gives Miliband his end of year report – no fightback in Scotland, backing strikes, and a completely united party – "every single one of them has asked Santa for the same thing, a new leader for Christmas."
12:19 – Sheryll Murray (Con, somewhat Russian) makes an anti-immigration point, ironically. Clegg is STILL BITING HIS LIP. It's unbelievable. He's been doing that the whole time, breaking only for a forced smile. It's as if he's a political drawing in a newspaper.
12:21 – Three women behind Cameron this week. Standard anti-sexism formation. Rushanara Ali (Lab, far too glamorous for the Commons) asks about Bangladesh, which is unusually susceptible to climate change. Cameron pays her considerable respect. Phillip Hollobone (Con, half-finished personality) asks about prison spaces and foreign nationals – you know the sort. Cameron makes a joke about the EU. Clegg does the quick forced smile, then bites his lip again. I basically can't take my eyes off him.
12:25 – Chris Kelly (Con, baby) does his career no damage by praises the great leader for vetoing the euro deal. Cameron jumps on it and attacks Miliband again. "He says he's got a five point plan. I can sum it up in five words – 'lets bankrupt Britain again'." Hold on. That's not five words. Cameron then makes light of Lib Dems not backing him in yesterday's Commons vote, saying they thought Labour wouldn't get their act together and couldn't be bothered to show. Richard Drax (Con, great name) praises a Commons doorkeeper who is retiring today. He gets big cheers from MPs.
12:28 – Kevin Barron (lab, cut out trade unionist in a BBC2 drama) asks Cameron to explain youth unemployment. He recycles the arguments from before. George Eustice (Con, competent) asks a sensible question about bank actions against small businesses. Cameron says he'll meet with him to discuss his ideas.
12:30 – David Rutley (Con, unfortunate name just as starters) asks about Christmas tree recycling by hospices, which Cameron praises. John Cryer (Lab, stubborn) wants Cameron to push on with a register of lobbyists "I'm a generous sort of bloke" so he can take his private members bill, he jokes. Cameron promises action soon. Adrian Sanders (Lib Dem, bit part as Harry Potter teacher) asks about diabetes national service frameworks. Cameron wants to raise the profile, because many people have it but don't know they have it. "I'm in a generous mood too and it's always a delight to listen to my colleagues, so we'll have a little more," Bercow says. Anne McGuire (Lab, knitting) attacks Cameron for reducing benefits for disabled children. Cameron insists he isn't cutting them and instead uprating by 5.2% the benefits on offer. Brian Binley (Con, bursting at the seams) gets the last PMQs question of 2011. He uses it on the number of people on the trains and the high speed rail line plans. Pity. And with that, we're done. The chief whip managed to get Tory MPs to broadly stay off Europe, you'll notice. Strong discipline from the government. Caroline Spelman is about to make a statement on the badger cull (you'll be surprised how passionate a subject that is).
12:37 – OK, well that's it from us for 2011, although we'll be with you throughout the holidays with a run up of all the best political moments of the year as well as any news and comment Santa may have left lying about. Merry Christmas.
