PMQs as-it-happened
11:35 – Good morning. It's a bright new day. The sun is, well not shining really, but occasionally threatening to appear, and Barack Obama is going to be president of the USA for the next four years. Given the polling you are very likely to be happy about this, as a non-American. Non-Americans mostly are. David Cameron is away. Not in Washington celebrating, but in the Middle East selling tyrants weapons. So that's nice. Instead we get Nick Clegg and Harriet Harman. And that's the case for the next three weeks, by the way.
11:54 – Francis Maude (Con, something of the evil about him) is dealing with Cabinet Office questions. Any bets on how irritatingly the parties try to claim Obama's victory as proof they're on the right course? Everyone in Westminster is taking heart from the news. The government is pleased people can re-elected with an ugly economy. Labour is pleased the left can win and keep power.
11:56 – Osborne and Cable seem to be getting on well. The two are having an amicable chat. I didn't know they did that anymore. Chloe Smith (Con, Paxman's light supper) dares to answer a few questions.
12:00 – Speaker John Bercow is in a bad mood. His interventions are particularly sarcastic, including one telling MPs their views "are of no interest whatsoever".
12:02 – Clegg is up. He offers condolences to the armed forces personnel killed this week. He also pays tribute to the Northern Ireland prison service officer killed this week. And he congratulates President Obama. A big cheer in the House. "I suspect that is the only point I'll be cheered today by the government opposite."
12:03 – Obama will be "relieved to get the support of the deputy prime minister a Labour MP says caustically. Big laughs in the Commons. Clegg is asked about police morale, but Clegg suggests he's denigrating them by asking. Bit odd.
12:04 – Harman's up. She praises Obama. "This morning he spoke of his determination to tackle the scourge of inequality. We wish him well," she says. Harman asks about Leveson. Will the government convene cross-party talks to take forward his recommendations. What? We don't even know what they are yet. Clegg points this out. They are basically putting themselves in a corner of taking them forward if they are 'workable and proportionate' – which they inevitably will be.
12:07 – Clegg and Harman are singing from the same hymn sheet here. Tories won't be happy. The two parties most comfortable with the Leveson inquiry are agreeing across the House without them getting a look in. "Business as usual is simply not acceptable. The status quo has failed," Clegg says.
12:09 – That was tedious. All of a sudden, Harman wants to get tough, and says cutting childcare aspect of tax credits made finding childcare harder for parents. Clegg says the government is providing free pre-school support. So far there's little heat and no light. Clegg is out of touch, Harman says. Why won't he admit the cut he voted for has cost families £500?" she says.
12:11 – Bercow is being funnier than everyone. "Stop it and stop it for the remained of this session," he barks at one MP. "I've made the position clear." Very stroppy. Harman gets a Nadine Dorries line in. "I'm beginning to have sympathy for the member for Mid Bedfordshire. All those rats and snakes before she even got to the jungle," she says.
12:12 – "He comes to the despatch box and he says one thing and then does something completely different," Harman says of Clegg. Now she's on police numbers. "It's tuition fees all over again. Why should anyone trust the Lib Dems with policing?" Terrible question. Clegg's answer is unrelated. "At least they can trust the government with the economy." Bercow interrupts again. "The deputy prime minister is in danger of being interrupted by heckles from both sides," he observers. "I'm used to getting it from both sides, Mr Speaker," Clegg says.
12:15 – Harman is very bad at this. I've more time for her usually, but this is not her ideal environment. "What about her promise of no boom and bust, what happened to that one?" Clegg responds angrily. He is wiping the floor with her and he's not very good. "What have she and her colleagues done? What have they done? They've gone on a few marches. They haven't even bothered filling out the blank bit of paper where they're going to put their policies." Who'd have thought? Clegg is an alpha male.
12:17 – I'm pretty sure Ken Clarke is asleep. His eyes are closed. There is occasionally movement but it's unconvincing.
12:20 – Clegg's still doing well. The Tories cheered him more than Lib Dems did during his ding-dong with Harman. Osborne has been watching him while nodding relentlessly. He looks impressed.
12:21 – Lilian Greenwood (Lab, screechy) is the latest Labour MP to bring up closures of Kettering hospital, which the PM said wasn't happening. Clegg says it's "scaremongering". He demands she celebrates the good work of doctors and nurses. Politics would be dangerous and dull if it was just politicians celebrating everything, of course.
12:23 – I can't believe there are so few Dorries jokes. Disappointing. Oh God, Peter Bone is trying to ask a question. It'll be ether about his wife or what happens in the event of Cameron's death (Clegg becomes PM maybe), the only two subjects he's interested in. Clegg's on form again. "The SNP's arc of prosperity keeps changing. Last time I checked it included Iceland. Where will he go next? Malasia?" Nice.
12:26 – Ian Lavery (Lab, flickering lightbulb) asks why so few Lib Dems are standing in the police commissioner elections. Because they're only standing where they want, Clegg says. Laughs. He suggests Labour doesn't understand internal party democracy. Jim Shannon (DUP, non-Movember moustache) wants new information on IRA bombings. Clegg's voice is faltering. He got a bit too shouty.
12:30 – The Labour whips office is suggesting Tory MPs believe Dorries went to Australia as a Tory MP but will come back as a Ukip one. Ken Clarke is visibly awake. He's at least 60% awake. Gemma Doyle (Lab, great hair) says Salmond has been caught lying and his reputation is falling apart. Clegg says Salmond's lies over the legal advice he claimed to receive is laughable. "You couldn't make it up," he adds. David Winnick (Lab, elderly principle) attacks Cameron's arms tour. Clegg, in a statement he would never have made in opposition, says nothing impedes the UK talking about human rights. "That's exactly what the prime minister's been doing this week." That and selling arms. Bone is up. He says that sometimes Clegg wants to send him to the jungle, but isn't it good when parties work together. "For the first time in my parliamentary career I wholeheartedly agree with him. Let us treasure this moment," Clegg replies. He says when he heard Dorries was off to the jungle to eat insects he thought it was a new style of severity from their chief whip.
12:36 – OK, that's over. Clegg was very good actually. He certainly trashed Harman and did a good job with the other MPs. Final score: Clegg: 2 Harman: 0. See you next week.
