Sketch: The great eurosceptic raffle
It was a winning British mixture of tradition, sarcasm and extraordinary silliness. Committee room ten was the scene for the private members' bill raffle this morning, in which backbenchers cross their fingers and hope they'll be selected to carry a bill forward to its near-inevitable demise in the Commons chamber.
It was seriously good fun. Deputy speaker Lindsay Hoyle, whose reputation in parliament is rising by the day, played up to the occasion well. Beside him, David Natzler, clerk of legislation, shuffling some crunched up bits of paper around an ornate black box. It really was that simple: it was like The National Lottery Presents: The Great Reform Act of 1832.
Perhaps we should use raffles for all political debates. It's as if politics was conducted by the Dice Man. Get a two and we'll integrate social care with the NHS. Get a four and we'll use baby's fingers as a new form of currency. It would liven Westminster up a bit.
Natzler shuffled the bits of paper around. "Number 20," Hoyle said. Natzler took out a paper and unfolded it. "Two hundred and fourteen," he announced. Hoyle found the name of the relevant MP and read it out.
"Number 19," Hoyle said. Natzler removed another bit of paper from the box. "Two hundred and twelve," he said. Hoyle looked at him quizzically. "I think we'd better shake them up a bit," he said. Natzler had another shuffle – more robustly this time.
After a while, Hoyle started getting into the occasion. "Sir Maaaaaaaaalcolm Bruuuuuuce," he announced at one point. And then: "Number 13. Unlucky for some." It was proper bingo hall nonsense, framed against a colossal Roman-style painting and the ornate, etched wood of parliament's benches.
Soon enough we got to the last six – the MPs who could secure a day of debate for David Cameron's draft EU referendum bill if the fates shined on them. Hoyle surveyed the landscape of bemused journalists and members of the public. "The excitement and the tension is rising," he said, only half managing to hide a smirk.
The "winner of the day" (Hoyle's term) was James Wharton. He was preceded by two Tories in the top six who voted for the amendment last night: Jonathan Lord and Dan Byles. Cameron won't have a hard time getting his bill heard in the Commons, although he won't be able to stop it being talked out. I doubt Labour has the cojones for that, but an individual europhile Labour MP probably will.
Wharton is a great, complicated result. He voted for the amendment yesterday, but has previously said the Tories need to stop banging on about Europe. The 29-year-old (born the same year the UK secured the EU rebate) has a majority of just 332 in his Stockton South constituency. It's the kind of place which will slip from the Tories' fingers if the public sense that they have gone bananas over Europe.
No system could have thrown up a more interesting result. It had everything: the chaos, the human drama, the frantic research into previously unheard of MPs. The raffle system won me over. We should hold one instead of an EU referendum. I doubt it will be any less appetising than the level of debate we'll be treated to if we do have a vote. Let's just flick a coin or play a game of darts. We could even dress it up. Get a pensioner drunk, blindfold them, swivel them around a few times and get them to stick a picture of Britannia on a poster of José Manuel Barros' face. If they get him on the nose, we leave. If they miss, we stay in. Can't say fairer than that.
