PMQs as-it-happened
11:41 – And we're back. Unemployment stats are looking good for Cameron, a matter he'll be bringing up at every available opportunity. Kick off is at midday, and I apologise in advance for typos and errors, of which there will be many.
11:54 – Alan Duncan is currently winding down international development questions, in a manner which suggests he would happily watch kill everyone in the room. Priti Patel really should unpurse her lips, she'll do herself an injury. Justine Greening is seemingly incapable of uttering any sentence not written on a piece of paper in front of her.
11:56 – Allison McGovern, shadow international development secretary, looks out of her depth, I'm afraid, although she is somewhat saved by comparison with Lynne Feathstrone, answering her questions for the government. Featherstone may have the most bothersome voice in the Commons. She looks baffled when she hears cheers from fellow MPs and then turns to realise they are for David Cameron, who has just walked in.
11:59 – Clegg's in. He looks particularly gloomy this morning. And we're off.
12:02 – Cameron pays tribute to the Brits killed in Afghanistan this week. Stephen Timms, Labour, looks like a cartoonist's version of himself, asks if the PM will meet with representatives of food banks to discuss the challenges they face? He says yes. He seems happy they've been allowed to have a presence in job centres.
12:04 – By the way, Iain Duncan Smith previously refused to meet up with food bank people, so Cameron saying he will is slightly interesting. Miliband is up. He also pays tribute to the two Brits in Afghanistan.
12:06 – Miliband asks about the killings of thousands in Syria and the talks taking place today. Looks to be another respectful PMQs then – although the vote on intervention was their lowest personal point. Miliband says Britain should be among those taking Syrian refugees. That's significant.
12:07 – Cameron says we're fulfilling our moral obligations in terms of aid and taking asylum seekers when they can make it here. "I don't believe you can solve a refugee crisis of this scale when you've got almost half the population of Syria displaced. But if there are very difficult cases of people who don't belong in refugee camps, I'm happy for us to look at that argument."
12:08 – Miliband: "On asylum seekers, those are people who were able to get here. We're talking about people in refugee camps at the moment. Can it solve the problem? Of course it can't. But the UN is talking about a small number of people here – children who've lost their parents and others. Why won't he look again, take a few hundred refugees and set an example?"
12:09 – Cameron says some countries are using the quota system to pretend they have fulfilled their obligations, but they haven't. "Let's not pretend a small quota system can solve the problem of refugees."
12:10 – Miliband: "We're not talking about aid or refugees. We're talking about both." Cameron is asked to talk to the UN about taking a quota. He says he'll explore how to help the most vulnerable people in those camps. That's not the same thing. "Britain is leading the world in terms of humanitarian aid in Syria."
12:11 – Tory groans and Miliband jumps on them. "I don't think honourable members should groan on this issue." He moves on but once he says "today's welcome fall in unemployment…" he is lost in Tory cheers.
12:12 – "Just braying like that doesn't do anyone any good," Miliband says. He asks Cameron to confirm that average wages are down. Cameron lists the positive news about employment at length.
12:13 – He admits there's slow growth in wages and says that's due to the extent of the recession. He suggests that the figure is higher because the coalition cut taxes. "Complacent," Miliband concludes. "He's trying to tell millions of families they are better off when they know they are worse off." He says there are 13 million people living in poverty. "The majority of those people are living not in jobless families but working families. What's his explanation?"
12:14 – Cameron: "The fact is we're recovering from the mess they made us. Every week he comes here and raises a new problem he created. He's like an arsonist that goes around setting fire after fire then complains when the fire brigades aren't putting out the fire quickly enough." Miliband: "He comes here every week and does his Bullingdon Club routine and all he shows is he doesn't know what life is like for millions of families in this country. He can't be a solution because he just doesn't understand the problem."
12:16 – Pretty dreadful from both at the end there. Just trotting out the usual. Cameron probably had the edge. But Miliband stuck to his respectful stance on the Syria questions and focused on a key issue which doesn't get enough attention. Snap verdict: Cameron: 2 Miliband: 3.
12:19 – Simon Kriby, Conservative, is dressed appallingly, like fabric robbed of its spiritual identity. He asks some nonsense about the weather in his constituency designed to raise the Ukip weather lunatic. Chris Pincher, Conservative, now that's how to dress, asks a more boring question about his constituency. Long term economic plan giving results, don't you know.
12:22 – Russell Brown, Labour, looks wise but ever-so-slightly sinister, warns of the effect of interests rates were they to rise. Cameron says that's for the Bank of England, but this is dependent on the deficit.
12:25 – Michael McCann, Labour, says Salmond owes the people of Scotland an apology for a white paper that dodges the tough questions. Cameron, unsurprisingly, agrees.
12:29 – It's all become very tedious, so I have decided to save you from the full details about the jobs in MPs constituencies and what it says about the government's economic plans. Andrew Slaughter, Labour, nothing interesting about him, raises concerns about housing starts. Bit of unseemly party political wrestling follows. Damian Hinds, Conservative, genuinely horrific face, like a witch, asks a question but I was so overcome with anxiety I couldn't keep track of it.
12:34 – White van Tory Robert Halfon wants Cameron to tackle the extra money paid by people who don't use direct debit for energy payments. Cameron says he will and then spends most of the time celebrating his 'achievements' on energy affordability.
12:35 – OK, we're done. We've definitely had worse than that, often considerably worse. But that doesn't mean it was tolerable. See you next week.
