PMQs as-it-happened
11:53 – I am quite ill and highly grumpy today, so this live blog may be more bad-tempered than usual. Perhaps if we all agreed we weren't interested just this once I could go back home and crawl into bed? Yes, it's a new Politics.co.uk strategy – to actively encourage our users to stop reading our stuff. Not that the traffic numbers are exactly huge on a PMQs live blog. It's a niche demographic, and that's putting it charitably. Why you still here? You're killing me. If you're reading this, my illness is your fault. Anyway. Kick off at midday. Typos aplenty. Apologies in advance.
11:58 – Theresa Villiers is conducting N.Ireland questions. She is like a mouldy curtain, abandoned in an attic.
11:59 – David Mowat (Con, excessive features) asks about ring fencing of EU funding on the mainland. Villiers answers him with the wit and passion of an answering machine. Cameron's in. And we're off, starting with Jeremy Corbyn (Lab, old school)
12:02 – He asks about people in the private rented sector, who feel insecure and poor. He says we're experiencing "social cleansing" in inner city Britain because of lack of rent controls. Cameron tries to sound supportive and says we need more houses. Rent control destroys the private rented sector and reduces the quality of housing, he says.
12:03 – Stephen Dorrell (Con, Peter O Tooole look-a-like) says Labour always increases unemployment. Probably a whips question, although he may now be autonomous in his intellectual restrictions. Miliband is up. He asks what Cameron's excuse is for the Royal Mail "fiasco".
12:04 – He sold at 330p. What are they trading at now? Cameron answers: "When the right honourable gentleman was sitting in the Cabinet this business lost half a billion pounds. It's now making profits, paying taxes, working hard for our country." Good answer from Cameron, convincing and confident. Miliband: "He can't answer becaue of the embarrasment." He calls him the dunce of Downing Street. I don't think I liked that. Uncomfortably close.
12:06 – Cameron says he won't take lessons from the "muppets" who told Brown to sell the gold (Miliband and Balls). This is quite fun. Utterly vacuous, of course. But fun. Miliband counters, calmly but effectively. It's currently even, with both men performing well. Bercow urges "juveniles to grow up and reach adulthood". Miliband says there was a gentlemen's agreement that the investors wouldn't sell, but they did. "Mates rates for his friends in the City." Very good from Miliband. Cameron: "We know why he's asking these questions, because he's paid to by the trade unions."
12:08 – That was poor from Cameron. Evasive and boring. He runs from the question into the usual union attack. "He's flogged it off and he can't answer the question," Miliband says. He asks again about the gentlemen's agreement. Half were sold. What happened? Cameron: "What happened is the taxpayer is two billion poinds better off and anyone who sold shares lost out on a successful business."
12:10 – Cameron says Labour is advertising for someone to bring fresh ideas. Apparently the ad says 'You should have the ability to manage the different teams across the Labour party'. "Must be the hardest job in Britain," Cameron jokes. Miliband: "He's gone red as a post box because he knows he's lost money for the taxpayer. A national asset sold at a knock down price to make a profit for the few." Cameron mocks him. "He says it's a sale no-one wanted. It was in his manifesto."
12:12 – That was good fun. Snap verdict: Miliband: 3 Cameron: 2. Cameron was clearly evasive and relied on old tropes such as the union attack, which is anyway of questionable value. But he had some good lines in there. Miliband held his nerve, pressed his case and made it with verve. There was even a bit of content in there.
12:14 – Perhaps I should drop Cameron's score. He was wrong about the Labour manifesto. It reads: "The Royal Mail and its staff are taking welcome and needed steps to modernise work practices. For the future, continuing modernisation and investment will be needed by the Royal Mail in the public sector."
12:16 – That's quite seriously misleading. It pays not to make too much of a fuss about these things, but the prime minister did just mislead the House. He may have to apologise unles he can find some way to justify what he said.
12:18 – Christ. Ken Clarke and Vince Cable are sat next to each other on the front bench. They look like fleshy statues.
12:20 – Julian Brazier (Con, covered in cobwebs) asks about cuts to defence and utters the appalling cliche "our American cousins". Jim Dobbin (Lab, like a boring Mr Miyagi) asks about child sexual exploitation. Chris Kellly (Con, as charismatic as a wooden plank) asks about the economy. Geraint Davies (Lab, like a faulty Action Man from the 70s) asks about pensions at Ford. Nothing to report here.
12:23 – The excitement has passed now. the tedium has returned. I can feel the illness creeping back. Every time see an MP's face it seems to get worse. Siobhain McDonagh (Lab) starts a question, then forgets it and has to grab a sheet of paper to remind herself. It's actually very endearing. Bercow interrupts. "The person sneering – if he's got any sense of shame ought to be ashamed of himelf." Good job by Bercow.
12:25 – Ann McKechin (Lab, stern) asks a whips question about the Royal Mail. Cameron reiterates what he said earlier. David TC Davies (Con, class swot) bangs on about how wonderful the NHS is under the government and how bad in Wales. This is a favourite Conservative line, although I'm not convinced it has much impact, despite being brought up every week. "I don't know why the leader of the opposition is laughing. It's not funny. If he had any backbone he would get hold of the first minister in Wales." Cameron's repeated macho posturing on Miliband's weakness is quite ugly, to my eyes. I suppose it must play well, or he wouldn't focus on it so relentlessly. But on a day when the PM is performing well, it just makes him look unlikeable and bullying.
12:30 – Nearing the finishing line. Ken Clarke still broadly awake, although he's fading fast.
12:32 – Andrew Selous (Con, has a very long, thin body, which threatens to never end) talks about a British business which is exporting nann bread to India. He seems very proud of this. Cameron issues a cut and paste answer about the economy. And – yes – thank Christ – we're done.
12:35 – Will there be a point of order on that manifesto comment? Jonathan Ashworth goes for it.
12:36 – He quotes from the section I printed earlier. Will the Speaker bring him back to change the record? "I'm not sure I can offer the gentleman any such hope," Bercow says. "He has availed himself" of the opportunity for points of order to correct the record and surely his observations will be "winging their way to Leicester Mercury before too long". Bercow being rather funny.
12:27 – Ok that really is it now – see you next week.
